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It’s Christmas time, things are usually so beautiful. But I cannot find the beauty in my life right now. It has been 4 years since my great grandma passed away, and 2 years since my grandmother in law passed. This September I buried the last grandmother I had left. Now, I prepare to bury my aunt. The only aunt who has been an aunt to me my whole life. Since my grandmother, my aunts mom just died a few months ago, this is a bigger blow than I can handle. I do not want to feel so angry, so separated from my spirit. But I am. How do I not be? What can I do to STOP this empty feeling? I haven’t grieved like this before. All of these women ripped from my life, 3 out of 4 because of cancer. I didn’t know how full of regret I’d be. Guilty for feeling like I could accept their deaths because it came with a sickness that only had one result. I fooled myself into thinking I’d be ok. Only now that I’ve suffered the last blow, do I feel like the biggest fool. I want my serenity. I want to talk and feel like I’m listening. I want to laugh because things are funny. I want to feel because I’m ok. But I’m not. Not now. But when? I know there isn’t an answer, but in the meantime I want nothing but alone time. I couldn’t go to work today. I wasn’t ready. I need to be. I need be… me. I am holding back my tears just to type this.

A Jehovah’s witness came to my door Saturday morning, I answered the door. I usually don’t. But she said bible through the door, and I opened up. I told her I wouldn’t mind talking to her. I am born and raised catholic, but I haven’t felt catholic in quite some time. I don’t know what that means, except that I am without faith. I still pray, I still speak to those who have passed, but somehow I do not feel connected. I don’t know how to reconnect with my spirituality, but I’m trying to figure it out.

Hopefully I’ll be a little closer to it tomorrow.

Good night

Beautiful day

Beautiful day